STOP DOING THIS RIGHT NOW. YES, THIS.

I finally snapped and sent this out tonight. Thought I’d share with my minions.

Greetings fellow Craigslister,

STOP POSTING YOUR ADS IN ALL CAPS LOCK. IT’S HARD TO READ, VERY ANNOYING AND I AM LESS LIKELY TO RESPOND TO PEOPLE WHO DO THIS. [I REALLY CAN'T EMPHASIZE THIS POINT ENOUGH, WHICH IS WHY I AM LEAVING IT IN ALL CAPS.]

I know that you are having trouble renting the room because I see your ad on Craigslist every day. And each time my eyes set on the attached images of the available furnished PINK bedroom I think the same thing: I would murder myself if I had to live in a room that color. And I would probably try to paint the walls with my blood before taking my final breath. 

Also, please stop over-posting. I realize Craigslist only allows four photos per post. Instead of being obnoxious and abusing the system, upload all your photos to a website, make an album and then link to it in the ad. If you don’t know how, Google it, ask a friend or email me and I’ll send you the instructions myself (yes, I am that perturbed).

People (like me) who are looking for a new shithole hate opening up the same damned ad twelve times a day because the poster wants to showcase more photos, thinking their little slice of heaven will rent faster that way. It won’t. Because only a six-year-old pageant princess could stomach living inside four walls splashed with Pepto-Bismol.

Best,
Genre L.

P.S. The cross over the bed might be alienating potential tenants.

P.P.S. You really do have a lovely home.

Lumberjacked

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
23 yr old 420 girl here.

Before I send a pic could you tell me what ur needs are exactly?

LUMBER JACK
Pretty much you take care of me i take care of you

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
Would three sessions of fellatio per week suffice or are you looking for someone who cooks and cleans too?

LUMBER JACK
am sorry you lost me, could you explain?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
I was under the impression that you were seeking sexual favors in exchange for rent-free living. Is this not the case?

LUMBER JACK
I had to look it up lol. i would have to say i need more then that.

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
Well here’s my situation: I have an untreatable ovarian cyst, which renders sexual intercourse an incredibly painful experience if you’re packing at least six inches when fully erect.

I want to clarify that this is NOT a sexually transmitted disease. Due to this uncomfortable circumstance I would be willing to consider one 45-minute session of fellatio every weeknight (not including holidays unless otherwise specified). In the event that you finish early (I’m good at what I do so this is not uncommon) I would be open to cuddling.

LUMBER JACK
Do you have any pics?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
I do but I’m out of town right now and my home computer has all my headshots (I’m an actress trained in musical theatre).

Can give you a description in the meantime: 23, 5’6, 110 lbs. Brassiere size 36D. I have a clear complexion and straight, white teeth. Long, flowing hair and penetrating green eyes.

Oh, I’m also Jewish. Would my religious affiliation be an issue?

LUMBER JACK
so do you play any instruments? you will have to excuses my spelling. religion shouldnt be a problem bc i have none as long as you wouldnt push it on me.

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
I would never push my religion on anyone. I do pray heavily prior to and after sexual activity, but I would not be asking you to participate.

I do not play musical instruments, however I am an excellent vocalist.

Can you tell me about your place? Separate bedrooms/bathrooms?

LUMBER JACK
well its a small house. pretty much every room is connected. i mean there is doors.

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
Can you tell me a little about yourself?

LUMBER JACK
maybe later. i got my brother on the way. im a hardwood lumber grader been doing it almost 10 years now. im in to all kinds of music. i like working on older toyotas. what are you wanting to get out of this?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
I LOVE TOYOTAS!

Honestly, I’m just looking for a place to settle while I decide where I’m going with my life. I used to have some major troubles and I’m turning things around. No drama, of course. Not anymore!

So like, is there more than one bed? I can share, but I do NOT like to be touched when I’m sleeping. It helps if I can set up a border of pillows down the center of the mattress. I would provide the extra pillows if necessary.

I have to run to the store real quick. Just realized I’m completely out of toilet paper and my friend who has a chronic case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome is heading over in a bit.

Talk soon?

LUMBER JACK
sure. im kinda busy tho.

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
K, well, sorry if I offended you or something. I’ll be in and out over the weekend if you decide you want to correspond some more.

LUMBER JACK
wasnt nothing like that. im about to get my truck fixed its been down for over 6 months. and we just broke a u-joint and finally found one so i have to pick it up. so do you know where scottsboro is?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
Nope. Is it nice? I like nice.

Does it snow there? I like snow too.

LUMBER JACK

where are you at?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
North Florida. Looking for a change of scenery, if you know what I mean.

LUMBER JACK
right. how do you plan on getting here?

GENRE LIEBOWITZ
I have a vehicle. An ’89 Camry, actually.

Do you work with cedar often? I have a really bad cedar allergy.

LUMBER JACK
Mailly oak and poplar. I got an 88 supra and a 78 celica. I love toyotas lol

Apologies for the abrupt ending, but Genre got bored and decided to take her ’89 Camry for a spin.

Jane Negotiates

Unemployment renders me bored. The following correspondence took place via email. It has been edited for continuity purposes only. Names have been changed to protect douchebags everywhere.

JANE AIR
So how nice is this place?

ESQUIRE1
Its a condo on top of the hill in Bel Air with a view and how nice are you?

JANE AIR
I’m about as nice as it gets. Has this arrangement worked for you in the past?

ESQUIRE1
Yes I meet my last gf this way.

How old are you? Where do you live now? Age?

JANE AIR
I am 25. I live in the valley. I am 25.

Is this a shared bedroom situation or are we talking about a private room and bath with weekly banging?

ESQUIRE1
private room and bathroom but if you as hot as you say then i need it often but i love to do what you need to get off as often as you need it

JANE AIR
How old is the building? Washer/dryer in unit?

I am disease free and can provide medical documentation to confirm this. Would you be willing to do the same?

ESQUIRE1
Why not i had a steady gf for a long time. Two washer and dryers in unit .Building was built in 1976 but has been updated allot unit is beautiful. What do yo  look like?.

JANE AIR
You have two washing machines and two dryers in your apartment?

I am 5’4, 125 lbs. Perfect skin, long hair, delicious meaty ass.

One of my breasts is significantly smaller than the other. Righty is 38D while lefty is a 34C. Asymmetrical breasts are a natural occurrence and most women are not 100% evenly distributed but I think it’s only fair to warn potential partners about my particular differential.

What is your profession?

ESQUIRE1
One washer dryer is in loft and one in closet in bedroom

ESQUIRE1
lawyer what’s yours?

JANE AIR
I was a video clerk at Blockbuster for many years but once it became apparent that Netflix was on the up and up I went back to school and majored in criminology. Now I do private investigating on a case-by-case basis while saving up to go back for my masters.

How would you describe yourself physically? I’m really into hair.

ESQUIRE1
i have allot of body hair.I am 5″8 145 light brown and eyes.What color hair and eyes

JANE AIR
Dark brown on the hair and eyes.

Tell me about the private bathroom…

ESQUIRE1
You must see the place. Whats your nationality

JANE AIR
Do you have a digital camera? Maybe you could upload photos of the place.

I am full-blooded American so no worries about someone taking advantage of you for permanent status.

I forgot to ask your age. You might as well tell me your nationality too. I believe in your field they refer to it as “quid pro quo.”

ESQUIRE1
Maybe I am double your age and white.I don’t want any pics on the net look what happened to weiner

ESQUIRE1
Since your proud of your ass do you like it doggie style?

JANE AIR
Doggy style is a preference, actually. Even better if you’re into anal.

JANE AIR
I’m not asking for dong shots. Just room and bathroom.

What kind of law do you practice?

ESQUIRE1
Personal injury litgation. I have never had anal sex. Girls who are into anal sex love sex. The bathroom and kitchen both are granite

JANE AIR
Oooh an ambulance chaser? (teehee)

You should really try anal with a partner (as long as you’re safe about it and have plenty of lubrication). Have you ever considered exploring anal penetration yourself? There’s a common misconception that anal play is exclusive to gay men, but it’s a well-known fact that with the right dildo and stimulation of the prostate a man can discover a world of sexual pleasure he never knew possible. It’s a real turn-on when a guy is open to trying new things.

What is the water pressure like in the shower?

ESQUIRE1
very strong pressure. I will pass on anal for me and maybe try it with you if you want this. If I am around you don’t need water pressure to get off

Is your pussy pretty tight too?

JANE AIR
Every year at my annual gynecological appointment my doctor asks if sex is painful considering how small and tight my tunnel is. She uses different terminology, though.

ESQUIRE1
Does it hurt or feel good or both?

JANE AIR
Hurts so good like a John Cougar Mellencamp song.

ESQUIRE1
Nice so why play with water in a shower when I am around?

JANE AIR
Actually my concern with the water pressure is not related to sex. I just like a great shower.

Are you cool with BJs and handjobs as an alternative to sexual intercourse during menstruation?

How many units are in the condominium? Are you 420-friendly?

ESQUIRE1
yes to all 64 units

Do you like giving blowjobs?

JANE AIR
My mouth may be tiny but I have no gag reflex. I’m told this is a plus.

ESQUIRE1
Do you swallow?

JANE AIR
Do you mind eating pineapples three times a week?

ESQUIRE1
You mean you?

JANE AIR
Pineapple consumption can sweeten the flavor of your splooge, providing a more satisfying experience for partners with a sensitive flavor palate.

ESQUIRE1
I can eat pineapple if thats what it takes. I like pineapple. I eat it anyway

ESQUIRE1

I love shaved pussy

JANE AIR
I’d shave my kitty for a covered (non-tandem) parking space.

ESQUIRE1
We can work this out

JANE AIR
Is it cool if I email you tomorrow to set something up?

ESQUIRE1
ok have a good night

JANE AIR
You too!